Half My Adult Life Gone

What happens when one day life causes you to stop and realize that half of your adult life is gone.

This happened to me when my husband of 22 years told me he didn’t want this marriage anymore and asked for a divorce.  We got married when I was 23 years old, less than one year out of College.  We dated for 8 months and then got married in civil court with my mother as our sole witness.  I thought at that time that we were a perfect match as we had the same values, background and beliefs.  Yes, we were young but it felt very right.  I remember feeling so proud that a marriage formed just eight months after knowing each other was lasting decades where others formed after years of knowing each other didn’t last beyond a year or two.

We often spoke of our retirement plans and how we would sell our home and build us a dream place on an Island.  We even went as far as to buy a book of architectural plans and picked a plan that had a home with 4 bedrooms,3 baths, slate roof and big windows to let in the bright light of the sunny days.  The four bedrooms were meant for when our grandchildren would come to stay for the summers.

At the age of 30 we had our first child and waited five more years to have our second.  With her birth 12 more years of my adult life had passed.  I never once thought that 10 years later my family would be splitting up and more than 20 years of my young life would have passed in something that was going to end so abruptly.

Waking up at the age of 45 and being alone with 2 children made me feel not just lonely, but also very lost.  What happened to the retirement home, the grandchildren, the 22 years of plans?  How could 22 years just end?  And of course I asked myself multiple times, if I had only known I would never have started.  As the days go on, I am learning to forgive my younger self and realize that even though half of my adult life may have gone, there are still many more decades to go and, God willing, they will be brighter than the first half of my adult life.

Comment below if you have ever wondered where your years have gone?  Would you say anything to your younger self? If you would, what would you tell them?

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